Mental Health Mat Wrestling

Here’s why some days are harder than others

Photo by Iulia Mihailov on Unsplash

Sometimes I wake up a different person than the day before.

I might have gone to bed with swagger, confident in myself, happy that the world lines up with what it’s supposed to be.

In the morning I am unsure. I swing my legs over the bed and the cat joins me to say good morning, and I am uneasy. I can’t put my finger on what’s going on.

I hope that coffee will set me right, and maybe a good sit will put my thoughts in order. But today it only gets worse. My thoughts are a jumble of meaningless words, and my feelings are sunk somewhere deep inside me.

I decide, halfway through the cup of coffee, that I will avoid people today. I don’t know what would happen if I just let loose with my mood. I’m not up, or down, but mostly down, I decide. Mostly out of control of my emotions. I am filled with dread.

Anxiety haunts me this day, the worry that I will lose control of myself and find myself doing something I don’t plan to do, I’ll say something stupid, I will reveal my oddity to my friends, to my neighbors.

My bipolar disorder encounters my autistic tendencies, and anxiety holds the reins for the ride.