Understand Me

Probably the most complex relationship I’ll ever have is with my parents, and my relationship with my children is a very close second. There are so many nuances to every word we say to each other, and there’s so much history to contend with. A lot of the history is good, and I’m lucky that way — I have always known I was loved, and I certainly love my children and try to show it however I can. But it’s complicated, as I said.

At the root of the complexity in these relationships is expectations that go both ways. And the expectations have to do with my longing that they understand me, both my parents and my children. Surely they see that I’m struggling with what I’m struggling with, and they sympathize fully? I want them to see me in my human completeness, laughing gently at my foibles and bursting with pride at my accomplishments.

Here’s the problem, though; they have the same longing with me, that I see them fully in their humanity. And all this understanding, of course, comes with the expectation that the other person simply knows all these things without having to be told.

We’re mammals and spend so many years bringing up our children, who are born helpless and with the instinct to bond. We’re pre-wired for trying to guess at each other’s state of mind and motivations.

I want my father to see my struggles with money and my health. I want my children to see that I made decisions in their upbringing that were the best I could do at the time with the resources I had at hand. I want all of them to see that I’m a human and make mistakes, but that I’m earnest and have love in my heart for them that runs deep and wide. And I’m trying to see them in the same way, to give them the benefit of the doubt and to view them with the same loving kindness with which I want them to view me. But it’s almost impossible, because language can only go so far in describing what we need from each other. And if we could read each other’s minds it would probably be jarring to find that we view each other with a critical eye, despite the love that permeates everything. Because, of course, we’re human, and we’re so complicated.